TRAVEL HUMOR

Let's face it....you need to keep your sense of humor while traveling!!!

"If we couldn't laugh, we'd just all go insane." Jimmy Buffett

• The first airline to install McDonald's-like kiddie playlands in
          the cargo hold will put all the other airlines out of business.

• Despite being able to get up and leisurely walk around the cabin
          while the plane tears through the stratosphere at 600 miles
          an hour, it is extremely important you stay in your seat with your
          seatbelt buckled as the plane taxis to the gate at 4 miles an hour.

*******************************************************************************************************************************

• While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
      "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."    After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.

******************************************************************************************************************************

Air Traffic Controllers

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers from around the world:

• The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"  

•    A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

 

• - Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
  - Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
      - Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
  - Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."  

•    O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
  

  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in my sights.  

•   The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
  

  Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
  Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
  The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
  Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
  Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
  Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes I have, Ground - in 1944. In another type of     Boeing. I didn't stop."

*****************************************************************************************************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
    Dead silence followed.
    After a few minutes, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. But, while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

*****************************************************************************************************************************
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
    Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
    At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane moves down the runway.
    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.
    Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
    Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.
    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

*****************************************************************************************************************************

Here's an interesting tidbit from the Travel-L list.  Jack Kolb posted the following definitions for tourists:

............ TERM ................................. TRANSLATION

Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

This should be of help while making your reservations!! Good Luck!!

****************************************************************************************************************************

Airplane maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

*****************************************************************************************